Friday, March 23, 2007
{JEALOUSY; english project
Jealousy is angry. Jealousy is wistful. Jealousy is destructive.
“I can’t stop thinking about the times; the good old times.”
I was walking with Victoria along Oldlove Road, where we were going to have lunch at the Glass House. We happened to pass by a famous lovers’ spot- Virgo, where I noticed two figures. They looked like they had a common bond with each other, something I missed badly. The longer I glanced, the more it looked like them. More memories, flashbacks and recollections.
It seemed like it was just yesterday that I was laughing with them, eating and shopping with them. Those times seemed like it was never going to end. Sadly, it did.
Everything changed when I became a lesbian. They started ostracizing me, keeping a distance from me, acting as if I never existed. I could not understand why they behaved in this manner, why could they not accept lesbianism. Why does society have to see lesbians and gays through tinted glasses? It did not matter anymore, since I had already lost my good friends- Cammie and Gretchen.
It was a year ago when I felt this certain attraction towards females, to be specific- the attraction towards Cammie. It started with just a jealous feeling when she was talking to members of the opposite sex, but then it got worse when she started dating. I could not understand why I felt this way, it was an indescribable emotion. Subconsciously, I was dressing like the opposite sex. I wanted more attention from Cammie, which she was not giving me. Instead, she was staying away from me, as if I had some incurable disease.
School was dreadful; it was a torture having to see her with her boyfriend. Cammie seemed like she was into his looks, more than anything else. Jealousy had taken control over my life at that time. I wanted to have boy hairstyles, just for the sake of attracting Cammie. Unfortunately, Cammie ostracized me even more. Gretchen agreed with Cammie’s point of view, that lesbians should not be accepted by the society.
I was so lonely at the point, and only Victoria seemed like the only one who was there for me. She was in my History class for mid term, when I was at the verge of breaking down. She showed up. Telling me that it was not the end of the world, she was always there for me, 24/7. She became my confidant, knowing all my troubles, and giving solutions.
“Hey Ash, you coming?” Victoria glanced at me.
“Thinking about it again, aren’t you?” I was awakened from my memories. I realized that I wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
“If you really want it, just go for it.”
After we had our meal, in which I could not enjoy because of my distracting thoughts. I took Victoria’s words, she always had the best advice. We said our goodbyes, and I decided to follow my intuition.
I knew where I could find them, the same old hangout- the top storey of Galleria Building. I hurried there, afraid that I might back out at the last moment.
They were not at the usual corner, but I saw Gretchen looking traumatized, clutching her knees, she looked so vulnerable. “Gretchen… I want to…” Before I knew it, she was gone. Nowhere to be seen, initially I thought she had intentionally ran away from me. Instead, the worse was yet to be.
I peered down the 19-storey building, to my horror I saw two bodies lying on the cold, hard ground. I recognized Cammie’s distinct red hair. Shocked as I was, I rushed down to the scene. Filled with remorse, I could not help but to question my behaviour. Soon, passers-by crowded around, and I was forced to move away.
Both Cammie and Gretchen never lived to hear about my life-changing decision. They never lived to hear about how badly I wanted to be their friend again, on how I realized that it was the friendship between us was what I needed. Most people say that there is no turning back, but I think it is just the growing phase of a teenager.
Believe it or not, I learnt a lot.
Jealousy is angry. Jealousy is wistful. Jealousy is destructive.
“I can’t stop thinking about the times; the good old times.”
I was walking with Victoria along Oldlove Road, where we were going to have lunch at the Glass House. We happened to pass by a famous lovers’ spot- Virgo, where I noticed two figures. They looked like they had a common bond with each other, something I missed badly. The longer I glanced, the more it looked like them. More memories, flashbacks and recollections.
It seemed like it was just yesterday that I was laughing with them, eating and shopping with them. Those times seemed like it was never going to end. Sadly, it did.
Everything changed when I became a lesbian. They started ostracizing me, keeping a distance from me, acting as if I never existed. I could not understand why they behaved in this manner, why could they not accept lesbianism. Why does society have to see lesbians and gays through tinted glasses? It did not matter anymore, since I had already lost my good friends- Cammie and Gretchen.
It was a year ago when I felt this certain attraction towards females, to be specific- the attraction towards Cammie. It started with just a jealous feeling when she was talking to members of the opposite sex, but then it got worse when she started dating. I could not understand why I felt this way, it was an indescribable emotion. Subconsciously, I was dressing like the opposite sex. I wanted more attention from Cammie, which she was not giving me. Instead, she was staying away from me, as if I had some incurable disease.
School was dreadful; it was a torture having to see her with her boyfriend. Cammie seemed like she was into his looks, more than anything else. Jealousy had taken control over my life at that time. I wanted to have boy hairstyles, just for the sake of attracting Cammie. Unfortunately, Cammie ostracized me even more. Gretchen agreed with Cammie’s point of view, that lesbians should not be accepted by the society.
I was so lonely at the point, and only Victoria seemed like the only one who was there for me. She was in my History class for mid term, when I was at the verge of breaking down. She showed up. Telling me that it was not the end of the world, she was always there for me, 24/7. She became my confidant, knowing all my troubles, and giving solutions.
“Hey Ash, you coming?” Victoria glanced at me.
“Thinking about it again, aren’t you?” I was awakened from my memories. I realized that I wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
“If you really want it, just go for it.”
After we had our meal, in which I could not enjoy because of my distracting thoughts. I took Victoria’s words, she always had the best advice. We said our goodbyes, and I decided to follow my intuition.
I knew where I could find them, the same old hangout- the top storey of Galleria Building. I hurried there, afraid that I might back out at the last moment.
They were not at the usual corner, but I saw Gretchen looking traumatized, clutching her knees, she looked so vulnerable. “Gretchen… I want to…” Before I knew it, she was gone. Nowhere to be seen, initially I thought she had intentionally ran away from me. Instead, the worse was yet to be.
I peered down the 19-storey building, to my horror I saw two bodies lying on the cold, hard ground. I recognized Cammie’s distinct red hair. Shocked as I was, I rushed down to the scene. Filled with remorse, I could not help but to question my behaviour. Soon, passers-by crowded around, and I was forced to move away.
Both Cammie and Gretchen never lived to hear about my life-changing decision. They never lived to hear about how badly I wanted to be their friend again, on how I realized that it was the friendship between us was what I needed. Most people say that there is no turning back, but I think it is just the growing phase of a teenager.
Believe it or not, I learnt a lot.
(sorry, i can't upload the edited photo. so this one will do)